I have a lifelong love/hate relationship with Pittsburgh. It's often been discussed in conversations with family, friends and, sometimes, complete strangers.

Growing up, I was one of a handful of black students bused from our neighborhood school to the gifted centers one day a week. We were considered among the best and brightest of the city's students. Education was valued in my household. But imagine how a kid feels when she realizes she's an anomaly -- the only black face in a sea of white.

Students would ask how I felt about slavery as though I lived through it. White girls asked to touch my hair as if I were a museum piece. Some kids asked if black people get suntans. (The answer is yes, and we burn, too.)

So it went through middle school and high school, but with a disturbing difference. Words like welfare, affirmative action, lazy, nappy and the N-word found their way into lunchroom conversations. The same girls who had asked to touch my hair in elementary school now refused even to acknowledge my presence, as though it would lower their social status.

I graduated from one of the best high schools in the region but never felt welcome in my hometown. I wanted to leave, and all the black neighbors who followed my achievements encouraged me to do so: "You're smart; nothing can hold you back; get the hell out of Pittsburgh before it swallows your spirit."

These neighbors viewed Pittsburgh's "renaissances" from the sidelines. Prosperity evaded them. They were ignored, overlooked or dismissed by elected officials. They were locked out of job opportunities and union membership. They had witnessed Pittsburgh's neglect destroy black lives and they didn't want me to suffer the same fate.

•

I guess by now you can see where the hate side of my relationship with Pittsburgh came from. On the other hand, I received a stellar education. I was involved in numerous extracurricular activities and met great people who had a tremendous impact on my life. I grew up in close-knit communities and had the love and support of my family and friends. I was aware of the legacy of my people.

But even now, I just can't get away from the flip side.

Let me relay the experience of a friend.

She went into a bar in one of Pittsburgh's mostly white North Side neighborhoods and was promptly told by one of the patrons that she "must not be from around here because if you were, you would know that you're not welcome here." This was in the 2000s, not the 1950s.

While Pittsburgh is being rebuilt as a technology hub and health-care mega-center brimming with jobs and opportunities, I can't help but wonder if that insightful gentleman from the bar might be a hiring manager charged with deciding a jobseeker's fate.Pittsburgh's social disgraces have existed since its founding 250 years ago. It's so ingrained in the psyche that most people don't realize it when they say or do something offensive.

Like a neglected child, I want to love Pittsburgh and I want it to love me. In fact, I think I love the city more than some self-proclaimed die-hard Pittsburghers because I am willing to recognize its flaws and challenge others, as well as myself, to do something to fix them.

I'm not going to pretend everything is fabulous when black neighborhoods remain blighted until developers feel they are ripe for gentrification or when the social and economic conditions of blacks remain unchanged or have worsened over the past 30 years. The only time we genuinely come together as a city is to rally around the Steelers; then we return to our segregated neighborhoods.

•

I now live in a Washington, D.C., neighborhood that reminds me of Squirrel Hill. The homeowners of the pristine estates are overwhelmingly black. It hurts my heart that this affluence never exhibited itself in my hometown.

Except for a handful of affluent black families, there has never been a collective black middle class in Pittsburgh.

I once heard someone say black Pittsburghers would be better off if they worked harder. But it takes opportunities, education, social networks and sometimes a little luck. It's not like Pittsburgh's black residents dodge hard work. A lot of the opportunities that allowed blue-collar white families to thrive in Pittsburgh were not open to African Americans. And remember, wealth is built over generations.

In Washington, the federal government has long employed a large number of African Americans, which has allowed them to provide for their families, build professional networks and accumulate wealth. There also is an historically black university that has educated generations of black professionals -- many of whom remained in the metro area.

Pittsburgh offers great recreational and outdoor activities, an abundance of cultural offerings and a world-class educational system, but it takes more than that to attract and retain talented young people of color and native black Pittsburghers. They want to be able to walk into a neighborhood bar and have a drink without being reminded that they are on the wrong side of some invisible boundary. When was the last time you invited a co-worker of a different race or ethnicity out for a drink after work? Have you ever witnessed a white co-worker change his or her way of speaking when black co-workers are around? Where are the young black professionals in your companies and on your boards?

•

Young black professionals value the same things as everyone else -- great neighborhoods, good restaurants, recreational activities, safe streets, cultural amenities, well-paying jobs, opportunities for advancement and to exercise our minds, top schools, quality housing and the chance to pursue happiness. But there are barriers -- seen and unseen, spoken and unspoken -- that get in our way. We need allies to listen to our concerns and advocate on our behalf. We African Americans have a host of problems to tackle, as well.

In Washington, I attend meetings with high-ranking officials and it is expected that I will contribute. Working in Pittsburgh, I often didn't even get to sit in. When I was a reporter for the Post-Gazette, my voicemail was often full of scathing, vile, racist commentary, left by cowards after working hours who wouldn't engage me in civilized discussion.

But I know there are people who will listen to what I have to say, who will take steps to modernize the Pittsburgh mentality. We have to change attitudes, perceptions, actions. We have to break beneath the surface.