DEAR CAT: My girlfriend of two-plus years has hinted at a serious next step: not engagement, but moving in. She typically spends at least four nights per week at my house; she's very helpful in cleaning up, chipping in for groceries, cooking and taking care of our dog -- so I would definitely enjoy living with her. I realize times have changed since the 1950s, but I don't see our parents being crazy about us shacking up pre-marriage. She's a full-time grad student and also works hard to pay bills, so why shouldn't we share living costs? It would obviously be practical financially, but I don't want to tarnish the positive relationships we have with our parents.

Do you want to ask a question? Send an e-mail to questions@ catscall.com or write to:

Catherine Specter
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
34 Blvd. of the Allies
Pittsburgh, Pa. 15222

... or visit her Web site at catscall.com

It's evident that we're going to get engaged in the near future, so do we suck it up and wait for that, or do we have a talk with our old-school parents about the new ways? -- ROOMMATE WANTED

DEAR R.W.: Fantastic question with a simple solution: Get engaged, then move in together -- it knocks down a few pins with one ball. 1) You want to live together. 2) You want to eventually get married. 3) You want to maintain the great relationships with your families, who would be concerned about the two of you living together without being on the road to marriage. Don't bother with the "old ways vs. new ways" discussion. And spare everyone the "it's financially pragmatic to share a roof" argument (it's too unromantic). If you truly love each other and already know you want to spend your lives together ...

Cat's Call: What are you waiting for?

DEAR CAT: I am in a gay relationship. I've been with this woman for almost four years. Here's the problem: We have bought a home and are "playing house." But there has been no intimacy in this relationship for more than two years now. She states, "That's just not where my head is" these days, and that a relationship is about more than sex. I do agree with her on that point, but I am growing more impatient and lonely with the lack of it. Am I crazy? I know she's not cheating. I basically know where she is 24/7 if she isn't at home. Your call? -- I'M NOT CRAZY

DEAR I.N.C.: You can have a great house without having great sex in it, but why? So that's not where her head is ... OK, where is it? Has she bothered to look for it? Maybe it's still packed in those boxes in the basement. You know, the ones leftover from the days when life was less serious. Your impatience and loneliness are understandable, and unless she cares enough to understand them, they'll turn into resentment, and that's when things get ugly. You hadn't been together long enough for the affection well to dry up for no reason and stay dry from then on. A relationship is about both partners' needs, and neither will be met if her head is MIA. She owes you much more than a vague, selfish explanation. And ...

Cat's Call: Playing house isn't much fun without the play.