Havidol: For those suffering from DSACDAD

By Peter Leo, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

You can Havidol

The Morning File doesn't do endorsements, on principle -- mainly because the money offer has never been big enough. But we're making an exception for a drug that will help so many in need. Also, we want to get in on the pharmaceutical gravy train that doctors have been riding for years, so much so that, should candor ever prevail, they'll dress like NASCAR drivers, with drug ads plastered all over their white coats.

So let's get started: "Do you suffer from Dysphoric Social Attention Consumption Deficit Anxiety Disorder? Or, as we call it, DSACDAD? Then try Havidol: When more is not enough. Havidol (avafynetyme HCI) comes in both tablet and suppository form, and should be taken indefinitely. Talk to your doctor about Havidol."

Important safety information

To fully benefit immediately from Havidol, patients are encouraged to engage in activities requiring exceptional mental, motor and consumptive coordination. Havidol is not for you if you have abruptly stopped using alcohol or sedatives.

She might have dermal gloss

(To be read in a very fast monotone while you focus on the happy, attractive woman in the Havidol photo.)

"Side effects may include mood changes, muscle strain, extraordinary thinking, dermal gloss, impulsivity induced consumption, excessive salivation, hair growth, markedly delayed sexual climax, inter-species communication, taste perversion, terminal smile and oral inflammation. Very rarely, users may experience a need to change physicians."

A DSACDAD victim born every minute

Don't thank us for this hilarity. It's the work of Australian artist Justine Cooper. She designed the bogus Web site, print ads, billboards and TV commercials as a way of beating up on the pharmaceutical industry. Yes, there's a drug parody born every minute, you're aware if you spend any time on YouTube. If you think we're hitting you over the head by explaining it's a parody, read on.

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Ms. Cooper's work, part of an exhibit at the Daneyal Mahmood Gallery in New York City, has been rattling around cyberspace for almost a month. Bloggers got the joke, but unfortunately, Reuters reports, some panic- and anxiety-disorder support groups were directing people to the Havidol site, believing it was for real. More than 300,000 people have clicked on www.havidol.com.

Gallery owner Daneyal Mahmood: "I think people identify with the condition."

From On Pharma, a blog that keeps tabs on the drug industry, pharmamanufacturing.wordpress.com: "The U.S. public is gripped by an expensive disease: hyperpanaceaphagia, also known as Barnum's Syndrome, evidenced by a willingness to try anything in pill form that promises to make 21st century life any easier."

Self-assessment quiz

Havidol.com offers a "Zing Self-Assessment Quiz," which we recommend. After you finish, you are directed to print out the results and discuss them with your physician. For each statement, you select the response -- a) Not often. b) Sometimes. c) Often. d) All the time. -- that best corresponds to how often you have felt that way in the last two weeks.

Some examples:

Multitasking makes me feel powerful
I feel empty after a full day of shopping
I don't feel as young as I used to be
I care more about others than myself
I enjoy new things more than used ones
Life seems better when I have more than others
I enjoy my life more when someone else is watching
I don't like feeling like a wallflower
I don't feel as young as I used to
People look at me with envy
I stress for success
I like to feel special

We need to reassess ourselves

The Morning File took the test.

A score between 40-60 means you should see your doctor immediately.

Between 30-40 puts you on the brink of succumbing to DSACDAD.

Score between 15-30, and you should "take a moment to check in with yourself. Determine if you are answering as truthfully as possible."

We got a score of 29, which puts us on the brink of being on the brink of succumbing to DSACDAD and prompts some soul-searching as to whether we were answering as truthfully as possible.

Not so fast

Consumer advertising for prescription drugs, a staple on TV particularly during the evening news, was legalized in this country in 1997. Adrants.com, a Web site for people in the ad and marketing game, observed:

"Imaginary disorders are stacking up as a wrist-slap to big pharma, but we wonder which will actually cross over into "Oh [gosh], I really need help" land. Major drug companies, marketing mavens in their own right despite all the jokes we make about them, are notoriously clever like that.

"You know how it is: Things start out as a joke, then spiral into serious real fast, and all of a sudden everybody's on Xanax."