Sounding less like the head football coach and more as if he were a student at Notre Dame (perhaps because he once was), Charlie Weis launched his media relations week by delivering a detailed oral report on Penn State that might have been entitled, "Something Wicked This Way Comes."

From the strategical issues presented by the Nittany Lions' transformable 3-4 defense to such aerodynamic minutia as the likely bounces induced by a left-footed punter, Weis micro-analyzed the Nittany Lions right down to their Gerald Cadogan.

A 311-pound junior making his first start at offensive guard, Cadogan did not distinguish himself last week against Akron, particularly in the running game, which made him pretty much identical to the rest of Penn State's offensive line. Still, my ears perked up when Weis mentioned Cadogan yesterday because I'd hoped to talk with him this week, if not so much on the difficulties an inexperienced blocker will encounter Saturday at Notre Dame, than about his progress as a pre-med major, trumpeter, vocalist and musical arranger.

Cadogan is perhaps not your typical drive blocker/pass protector.

Too bad. At 6:15 p.m. Monday, Penn State dispatched the following e-mail advisory, subject line: player availability. "Penn State players will not be available for interviews this week."

Shouldn't the subject line have been "player unavailability?"

It was the best misdirection play in at least 24 hours, or since Three 6 Mafia filed a motion with the Allegheny County Common Pleas Court to dismiss a lawsuit charging the rap group with inciting a riot during a Station Square performance of their song, "Let's Start a Riot."

Yesterday, Joe Paterno explained. Not about Three 6 Mafia. About how it's important to keep his pre-med majoring trumpeters and everyone else on the squad from having to answer questions from the media this week.

"The problem is we started school today and, ordinarily on the day we start school, I wouldn't practice," the Penn State coach said. "For us to add another burden, to talk to newspaper reporters ... I thought it would be better for everyone if we tried to eliminate anything that is not necessary in order for us to win the game."

You knew Penn State was tough academically, but I'll bet you didn't know students have the first day of school four times this week. Meanwhile at Notre Dame, where the book load remains relatively daunting, players were available and the head coach was practically teaching the media a 400 level course on Penn State, with one entire chapter devoted to quarterback Anthony Morelli.

"If you give this guy time to throw, you'd better look out," Weis was saying. "He's got a cannon. It's not very encouraging when the guy's first pass goes for a touchdown. That didn't exactly lift my spirits. On a bomb, too. That didn't fire me up too much. He's got a very live arm, and he's dangerous."

The early story line on what should be a delicious collision between schools that haven't been on the same lawn since Jerome Bettis was an Irish weapon (1992) is that the whole matter might fall to Morelli. Penn State's defense showed enough aptitude and deception to deal with the sluggish offense Notre Dame displayed at Georgia Tech, but the Lions' running game appeared weeks away from proficiency against Akron.

Weis, naturally, registered as dubious on the early story line.

"Akron had a whole bunch of guys in the box," Weis said. "I don't care who you are, if the other team is going to load it up in the box, it's a tough task running the ball, and it was played in sloppy conditions."

Penn State rarely so much as deployed a two-back set, preferring that Morelli, even in his own inexperience, fire away at its flock of fleet receivers. Morelli delivered a 42-yard touchdown to Deon Butler with his first pass, then hit six of his next nine on the way to a 17-0 Penn State lead. Then, he went 9 for 22 with a fistful of misreads over the balance of a storm-washed afternoon.

Much more was expected of the Irish quarterback Brady Quinn in Atlanta that night, but the Irish were nearly shut out in the first half and needed a very willful second half to win.

"It's not like, you know, now they're no good anymore," Weis joked. "Right now, I think the biggest thing is that we're trying to emphasize the importance of improvement from last week. Even on defense, where we're content with the way things went, it's not like it was error-free. We didn't create any turnovers. But obviously, I have plenty of ammunition for the offense this week, and that's probably a nice way of saying it.

"This will not be a fun way of practice."

Right. But it'll be more fun than being at Penn State, where there are four first days of school and the coach isn't real confident of his team's overall composure Tuesday. What will Saturday be like?